I look up into the mirror as I splash water on my face, dry
it, then apply lotion. My eyes can’t
help but be drawn to the lines on my face.
I swear they weren’t there yesterday.
My mind wanders to the me of “yesterday”, and I begin to wonder if I would trade
places with her. She had no lines on her
face, her body was young, in shape, and virtually pain free. Would I go back to being her?
I snap back to reality with a “Mommy??” from the room across
the hall. A perfectly imperfect human is
calling to me because he wants “one more hug and kiss.” Okay, kid.
Back in my bed, with my husband out of town, I allow my mind
to drift back to my twenties (have I really been alive long enough to have been
an adult 20 years ago?) She was a different
person. She was so beautiful, and she
did not know it. She was so smart, but
she dumbed herself down to make others more comfortable. She didn’t realize she deserved to dream, or
that she could achieve them when she finally allowed it.
As I lie there thinking, I realized that I would not change places
with myself two decades ago. I love
her. I am so grateful to her for all she
endured, but I don't want to go back to being her. Today, I am a woman who wakes
up appreciating the people and things in my life. I am a woman who loves fiercely. I am a flawed woman who wishes every day that
she could do better. I am a woman who is
rearing two small humans. I am a woman
who overcame challenges I would never wish on anyone, yet I am also a woman who
is privileged enough to not understand true challenge and hardship. Most of all I am a woman who is finally comfortable
in her own skin.
I have learned to love myself and
put on my oxygen mask before others’. I have
learned to let the small shit go. I have
learned to love and value my parents; turns out they know a few things. I have discovered that I am in a life partnership which really works. I love (and like) my
husband more than I ever thought possible.
I understand that a partnership like this takes work; and we won’t
always like each other. Most importantly,
I have learned that it is really important to look up in that mirror and tell
the mean girl inside me to fuck off. I
have learned that I cannot truly love any other person unless I love myself (so
corny – I KNOW!)
As I lie there thinking, all I could feel was happiness. Today – I am happy. Today – I have love. Today – all of my needs are met. Today – I would not trade for any other. I realize that each day is fleeting and
tomorrow brings a new reality. But today
I choose to live in gratitude; and I hope that I am able to wake in twenty more
years to splash water on my face, see even more lines, and appreciate the laughter
and tears that caused them.
